An alternate ending to 'Goblet of Fire'
by fluffy girl
Summary: um, well, what can i say? my friend and i are sick and twisted...


Voldemort says, "I have you now, Ha--umph... uh... my nuts..." then pauses for a moment before continuing, watching Harry run off, out of reach. In a high pitched voice, "Uh... I'll... get... you... Harry... oh, it hurts... someone... get me some ice... please... uh... I need some ice..." Voldemort then quickly grabs himself and slumps to the ground whimpering.   
  
Quickly a Death Eater (here on out referred to as 'lackey') runs up and asks, "Hey boss, you okay?"  
  
"Oh, of course... uh... let's take a break... I think I'll stay right here for awhile..." replies Voldemort in a squeaky voice.   
  
"Uh, sure, boss...if you say so..."  
  
"I do... uhh... leave me alone now... thanks for the ice... ahhh..."  
  
"What about Harry?"  
  
"Leave him be...and me, too...ooh...that feels much better..."   
  
Meanwhile, Harry pees his pants because he's laughing so hard as he's crawling away.   
  
Worried about the other confused followers, someone tries to muster support and morale by summoning the Dark Skull, but the skull is cross-eyed and its mouth is open and makes unidentifiable sounds. Still concerned about his master, a lackey quickly offers, "Here, boss, let me help you there."   
  
Voldemort quickly replies, "No, no, leave me be fool... uhh... it hurts..."   
  
"But boss, here, let me hold the ice for you."   
  
"ARRGGHHH!" screams Voldemort as he falls to the ground again, curled into a small ball and whimpers shrilly, "Leave me be, you fool... uhh... the pain, oh god the pain... make it stop, please make it stop..."  
  
"Here, boss, I'll heal it with magic."  
  
"Oh, good man... you'll go far... please hurry, it hurts, it hurts!" As that particular lackey was taught, he takes his wand, which looks more like a stout club than a magical device, says the words, and taps the tip of the wand against the wound. However, 'tap' is a relative term. In this instance, a more appropriate word, from Voldemort's point of view, is crush. It made a sickening thud, as this particular lackey wasn't lacking in the strength department; he barely fit in his robes.   
  
As Voldemort starts to lose consciousness, another helpful lackey sees the mistake and uses his wand to heal Voldemort. However, this lackey learned that you should make a quick tap with the wand, and in his haste he forgot to take into account how springy his wand is. The loud snap is drowned out as Voldemort's girlish screams fill the night air.   
  
Hearing everything, Harry's bladder finally gives up and he wets himself again as he crawls about, trying to find the portkey. He is unable to, however, as he is blinded by his tears of laughter and can barely move as his body convulses. The Death Eaters decide to change their name to the Deadheads, start smoking pot, and are taking a break, as Voldemort said, and start wandering about, but Voldemort's last scream startles them, and they start running about, running into trees, bushes, and each other, while emitting muffled cries at impact.   
  
Finally, one of the more intelligent lackeys 'taps' Voldemort correctly, and he is healed. He just lays there for a bit, though, still in shock. Harry tries to stand, still laughing uncontrollably, trying to spot the portkey. Finally, after seeing the cup, he makes his way over. However, he stumbles and falls against a tree. Rebounding off the tree, he lands on the portkey and disappears. However, the tree was old and rotted, so it quickly fell, knocked over another tree, which hits a mausoleum with a cherub on it, which, of course, releases it's arrow right into Voldemort's still-tender area. As his shrill screams deafen those nearby, several more deaths by laughter occur. Some of his more loyal followers try to help, intending to pull the arrow out, but merely managing to wiggle it about a lot. Voldemort screams over and over, louder each time.  
  
Finally, a few policemen come to see what is going on, thinking a rape because of the repeated shrill screams. Running through the large group of people, they stop at the sight of Voldemort and his lackeys trying (and not succeeding) to remove the arrow. They all fell dead, laughing so hard their bladders explode with the force of a large, very powerful grenade, and killing many of the nearby Deadheads.   
  
Miles away, Harry appears back at Hogwarts, in the midst of all the people, and is still laughing uncontrollably. His robes are soaked from the waist down. Dumbledore immediately makes room for Harry as Madam Pomfrey comes forward to see what is wrong. Still laughing, he tries to tell Dumbledore what is wrong. "Volde... hehehe... hahaha... Voldehehehe..." With his quick wit and understanding vaguely that Voldemort is back (I don't know how, but that's how Dumbledore is), he quickly tells the nurse to cure him as soon as is possible.   
  
After several small spells that have no effect, she rushes him to the hospital wing of Hogwarts. Against her better judgment, she allows Ron and Hermione to follow. Hermione makes Harry lie still so Madam Pomfrey can perform every counterspell and charm known to the wizarding community (plus a few only she had discovered), Harry only started to wind down. Finally, completely frustrated, she tries another spell, but makes a mistake in casting it, and causes Harry to do something that embarrasses everyone there.   
  
It did, however, cause him to stop laughing.   
  
Thinking he needs something to calm him down, she leaves the room and returns with something for Harry to eat. She turns to leave, and just after she shuts the door, a huge explosion rocks the entire castle, and it was centered in Harry's room. Rushing in, Madam Pomfrey looks about the room and notices Ron and Hermione standing, drenched in urine, and Harry nowhere to be found. "Just what happened in here?" rumbled Dumbledore from behind her.   
  
Madam Pomfrey turned and said, "I thought Harry deserved a treat, so I gave him some chocolate ice cream with caramel and Crushed Nuts."   
  
  
a/n: all characters are property of j.k. rowling and whoever else she said they belong to, but definitely not me.  
  
and give me some feedback, if you don't mind.   
  
and I apologize for the atrocious tenses, but I was hurrying.  
  



End file.
